im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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