i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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