I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize