Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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