shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I can't turn off my feet"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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