first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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