Just fell off a train. Bad.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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