Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
