u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
