as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
