we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
