I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
