wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
