Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
