If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
