she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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