My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
