Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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