The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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