Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
