he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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