she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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