and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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