Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
