so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
