making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
