i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
