dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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