you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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