Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
