see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
