I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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