1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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