Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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