Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
