I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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