Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Come see our sink grown plant.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
