My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
