i may or may not be watching the land before time
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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