how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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