so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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