i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
