just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
