Duck Duck Cougar?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
