Your face is a jimmy john
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
