Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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