So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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