Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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