Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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