Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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