We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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