Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
