He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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