I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
