what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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