Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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