Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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