I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wish my penis had a tongue
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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