Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We are two peas in an std pod
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
