Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
