I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
